


Oops

by resdusty



Category: Bleach
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Attempt at Humor, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Canon Compliant, Drabble, Gen, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Other, Sarcasm, The Author Regrets Nothing, Weird Plot Shit, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-14
Updated: 2020-12-01
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:28:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27015040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/resdusty/pseuds/resdusty
Summary: Short drabbles based on BLEACH manga themes, some might be Canon-Divergence and the others Canon with inappropriate depiction of characters' thought process. Ulquiorra would be the main character here, with Ichigo, Orihime and others from the manga.The author unfortunatly has an unorthodox sense of humor and the title summarized each chapters.Enjoy.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 5





	1. WARning: wet floor (Based on manga chapter 270 WARning)

**Author's Note:**

> Requests are welcome however Author is unfamiliar with the TV-originals and is likely to only update once a month at most.
> 
> *The Author does not own anything. All credits belong to Kubo Tite.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nel’s mucus happened.

"Oops…?"  
Kurosaki Ichigo looked at the left foot of an ever stoic-faced Ulquiorra uncertainly.

The neo-green haired little devil in his arm didn't look particularly apologetic.

Seconds before, Ulquiorra was marching down the steep stairs, ever so intimidating. His composition radiated death, in an indifferent yet extremely condescending manner.

Ta, Ta, Ta, Pah-  
Ulquiorra froze. Breaking eye-contact with the Shinigami, he looked down at his left foot which was now elegantly standing in a pool of nasal mucus.

Gone in a blink of an eye, the echoes of Ulquiorra’s sonido oscillated in the grand hall.

Ichigo was left rather unimpressed.


	2. WARning: wet floor flying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Explicit language and depiction of nasal mucus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> #Author is traumatized by Nel’s mucus.  
> #Ulquiorra returned shortly after changing into new boots.  
> #Author's failed attempt to stop writing about mucus.
> 
> I am, actually, rather fond of Ulquiorra. Am I being unnecessarily cruel?

“Getsuga --Tenshou!!!”

Despite Ulquiorra’s intention of blocking it with one hand, unfortunately, out of countless variations of Ichigo’s Getsugas, this one was powerful enough to explode in his face.

It was admittedly embarrassing enough when the esteemed Cuatro Espada-sama had to retract his other oh-so-precious hand from his pocket to block the Getsuga, never mind being buried under those stupid ruins. 

However, it is nothing comparing to the slippery yet sticky feeling on his fingers, where he brushed his soiled uniform. It still felt warm too.

Fuck.

This was how Ichigo witnessed Ulquiorra regenerating his hand ahead of the schedule.


	3. Six Hearts Will Beat As One (Manga 317)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> From Volume Fortieth,  
> “Because of the heart,  
> I lust for everything about you.”  
> — BLEACH
> 
> *sorry! I decided to go back in time between my chapter 2 and 3, for I haven’t an idea of what to do above the dome.
> 
> This is when Aizen showed up in Karakura, and Ulquiorra broke out of the Caja Negacion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kubo is a poet. Bleach is surprisingly poetic as a youth Manga ( I personally think categorizing Bleach as youth mange is the same as saying Gulliver’s Travel is a child’s book: too many metaphors and too much satire). The elegant way Kubo played, or didn’t play, with his words, be it in the chapter titles, opening sentences in each chapter, or the unfinished sentences in the end...

Her voice soft, yet Ulquiorra knew her mind strong.

  
He knew what she meant intellectually; he simply couldn’t comprehend her logic.

  
To make your hearts as one, she said. With such ridiculous superstition, he thought, it was unbelievable she had survived so far. Although, her bust did speak volumes. Perhaps it could fit six hearts after all.

  
So, he reached out mockingly, menace dripping in his monotone, “if I rip open your chest, will I see it?”

  
To prove her wrong, he sought fear in her compassionate eyes. But through them he saw his own reflection, pointing back at himself.


	4. The Pride (Based on TV #269 manga title The Pride)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Speaking of soiled boots from chapter 1.....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Although I paid more attention to details in manga, this moment from anime really bothered me (not in a bad way but certainly amusing) for a long time. If you want to revisit this at TV episode 269, you might see what I saw. 
> 
> To be honest, although I love the CVs in TV, manga has way better art and style...

Ulquiorra darted out of the tower and was shooting towards the dome of Las Noches like a jet.  
Ichigo followed closely and was chasing him from below. 

And inevitably he looked up-  
“Oi… Ulquiorra… are you wearing fucking thigh boots??!!”

Uryuu flashed his glasses.  
Orihime gasped.  
Grimmjow went hysteria but lost conscious shortly after with gaping wounds. 

Time froze in the downpour of suffocating Reiatsu.

Before Ichigo had the chance to swear he saw Ulquiorra’s full-blown blush, Ulquiorra went straight to his Segunda Etapa and the beam of Lanza del Relámpago blinded every soul under the sky of Las Noches.


	5. Now What

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now what, after Ichigo’s naughty peeping behavior? After all, it is very inappropriate to peep underneath some decent lad’s hakama. 
> 
> # thanks to the kind comment I received last chapter, I decided to let Ichigo and everybody else live. 
> 
> #this one is not very funny to read, merely preperation for next chap.  
> #^^above was some excuses one untelented author uses to cover up their limitted skill.

Uryuu wouldn’t have dreamt to see Orihime admonishing Ichigo on behave of a deadly enemy who just tried to kill them all. But of course, humans do have a limited imagination.

  
“Kurosaki-kun!”, Orihime pouted seriously, “it was very ungentlemanly!”

  
And Sado nodded along, “Humph.”

  
“Et tu, Chad??” Ichigo yelled exasperatedly, “I almost died! And when did you even show up??”

  
“Kurosaki, quite throwing a temper tantrum!” Uryuu joint the race of Ichigo chiding, “Where did Ulquiorra go?”

  
They all looked up at the gaping dome where a thin drape of white sand fell, illuminating the pale moonlight under false sunshine.


	6. The Lust (But who’s?)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In respect of Ulqiuorra’s birthday. This is no longer a 100word Drabble but consider it as a birthday special.
> 
> Not really shipping any pairs here but let’s celebrate the mutual appreciation of aesthetics.

Following suit, Ichigo stood on the dome of Las Noches. It was quite good a sight to see, pale moon shone upon endless sands.

But Ichigo saw none of the desert, his looked at the sky. The presence of Ulqiuorra alone weighted his full attention.

 _He really likes to look down on me, literally,_ thought Ichigo, _is this what people call Napoleon complex?_ (Alas, slanderous English men!)

He heard Ulqiuorra spoke like a sigh, his release phrase escaping his lips. Sand rose with the Reiatzu but Ichigo forgot to blink, staring at the most breathtaking view his eyes had ever seen.

Pale as the quartz trees and the desert beneath him, Ulauiorra shadowed the nighty sky, magnificent wings shielding the moon. And Ichigo in deed was shaken.

 _Oh Kami,_ he thought, _look at those black lines running down his finger tips, these are some punk finger nails. With the sleeveless robe showing off his petit figure, not to mention he has those wings, plus his sexy thigh boots... Here I thought my stupid number 15 sweater was stylistic. Damn, I was really naive to think my scowl was badass, now his tear marks thickened with his black upper lip... And he always have that stony face, monotone and chill air around him... My, this bastard is cool as hell._

 _Shite,_ Ichigo realized, “does Inoue think he is cool too?”

Uryuu chipped in, now that Ichigo’s friend climbed up, “don’t even think about it _,_ you idiot, we won’t stand a chance.”


End file.
